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Divorce - eBooklet

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How to Survive Divorce

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If you have ordered this eBooklet, you have probably been divorced relatively recently - or perhaps you are about to become single again. Many people struggling to adjust to life after divorce commonly experience problems like depression, anxiety, loneliness, and uncontrolled anger. On top of adjusting to the divorce itself (and the hurt that goes with it), leaving a marriage may very often mean leaving one's home and losing friends that used to be part of a 'married' social circle. There may also be problems with co-parenting children who themselves are also trying to accept their new status.

While everyone is different and situations may vary, the following tips may help you to adjust more easily. Read them through and try to apply them - even though you may not feel like it. Don't wait to feel 'better' before you begin to do things for yourself. Follow these tips and you will find yourself slowly accepting and moving on from the hurt and the anger and finding peace and happiness again.

Realize that this is an Adjustment Period

When you are feeling hurt, angry and confused, it is very difficult to see that this is 'just' an adjustment period and that it will get better. Your heart is broken. You may be feeling betrayed and angry. Your whole world has been turned upside down and you cannot imagine that your life will ever be worthwhile again. You may even feel so bad that you think about committing suicide.

Many of my clients have told me that one of the most helpful things that I did for them was to help them to realize that they were going through an adjustment phase and that they would not feel that way forever. Although it may be difficult to accept at the time, tell yourself that you are now feeling at your worst and that you will begin to feel progressively better as the days go by. The more you do to help yourself adjust, the quicker the adjustment period will be.

Remember that you have lost many things in the process of divorce. You will have lost your partner and the dreams that you had of growing older together. You may have lost your home or the standard of living that you were accustomed to. Perhaps you have lost friends and family members who are now 'ex' family members. You have probably lost your trust and your self-esteem.  You have to allow yourself a period of time to mourn these losses. Just as people mourn loved ones who have died, so you have to mourn all the things that you have lost in the process of divorce. Tell yourself that you may be in mourning and that you will have to help yourself get through this, but that the time will come when your mourning period is finished and you can celebrate a new beginning.  Be kind to yourself!

How long will this 'adjustment' take? Well, people vary depending on many factors. Even if it is a relatively 'straightforward' divorce, allow yourself at least a year before you expect to start feeling 'yourself' again. This is not to say that you will feel awful for a year and then wake up one day feeling great. At first it may be very hard. Then you will begin to have a good day here and there. These good days will become more frequent until there is only an occasional bad day. One day you will realize that you haven't thought of your ex for a whole week! Believe me - this WILL happen! Give yourself time and don't expect to 'bounce back' straight away.

Make Use of your Social Support!

You may feel so bad that you want to curl up in a corner and die! The last thing that you may want to do is to be in the company of others. Remember what I said above? This is an adjustment phase - not the way it is going to be forever! Don't withdraw and push people away. Spend time with friends and family. Join a social club or join a group or sport of some sort (hiking, walking, chess, dancing, charity, church, tennis, etc). Take up a hobby or craft and allow yourself to meet new people and learn new things. It will take your mind off your worries and help to boost your self-esteem.

Join a Divorce Support Group or Go for Counseling

Think about joining a divorce support group in your area. It will help tremendously to talk to people who are going through the same experience as you are. If you can talk to a support group, you will be able to unburden yourself there and find support and encouragement that you may not always find from others.

Think about going for professional counseling, especially if you are feeling very vulnerable. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, it is very important to go and speak to a counselor who will help you to work through your pain and monitor your symptoms to make sure that they do not get worse. Some of the symptoms of depression are sleep and appetite disturbance, excessive tearfulness, irritability, inability to concentrate, fatigue and loss of interest in usually pleasurable activities. These may just be temporary and part of your adjustment period or they may be more serious.

Don't Get Involved Again Too Quickly!

This may seem like a cliché - but many people get involved in new relationships 'on the rebound'. This is a time of your life when you are very vulnerable and lonely and are carrying a lot of baggage. Make friends, have fun - but try to keep it light and friendly! Although there have been some very strong relationships forged just after a divorce, the odds are against it and the last thing you will be able to cope with now is more hurt. Be careful and work through your experience before you move on to another serious relationship. People who move from one broken relationship to the other in serial fashion often become prone to depression and insecurity and never stay single for long enough to find out who they really are. The longer you have been part of a couple, the longer you need to 'find' yourself again.

Use Natural Alternatives to Prescription Drugs

It is my experience that doctors tend to prescribe medication too quickly when people are distressed and this could lead to problems that you don't need, like addiction. Prescription sleeping medication is usually habit forming and could cause you to lose your ability to fall asleep on your own. Some anti-depressants or anxiolytics 'numb' your feelings, and this means that you do not have the opportunity to work through them when it is most appropriate. People who have been prescribed strong medication after a trauma like divorce or loss of a loved one, often experience problems later on and these may be worse because they are often triggered by a similar event. Work through your feelings now - and if you ever have another difficult thing to cope with in the future, you will be stronger and better equipped to do so.

This is not to say that you must not use anything to help you cope. There are many natural remedies for sleep, anxiety, and depression that are not habit forming and which do not have the same sort of side effects as prescription medicines. While there is a place for stronger medication, this should be the last resort. Many doctors do not have the time or the counseling skills to work with people who are going through emotional turmoil and giving them pills is too often the easy way out. A warm bath with aromatherapy oils, lavender oil on your pillow and a cup of chamomile tea before bedtime will often relax you sufficiently to put you to sleep.  Regular exercise helps to fight depression and build self-esteem. MindSoothe is an all herbal natural remedy to treat depression and anxiety and help you to get through a difficult time. For more information on natural remedies, go to www.nativeremedies.com/products/mindsoothe-emotional-wellness-info.html

Talk About It

This is the most effective way of relieving depression and anxiety. Share your problems and "externalize" them, rather than bottling them up. You will be amazed at how relieved you feel and how you are able to begin to get things into perspective.

Speak to friends, family or to a professional person like a licensed counselor. Writing about your feelings is also therapeutic, so keep a journal, write a book or consult a professional online.

Do Nice Things For Yourself

Nurture and spoil yourself. You deserve it too! So have a bubble bath, buy that special something you've been wanting, play your favorite music and SING, have an aromatherapy massage or put a few drops of lavender oil in your bath, go on holiday - and do it because YOU ARE SPECIAL!

Feeling sad and lonely often leads to self-neglect, which makes you feel and look even worse. This is not the time to stay in your PJ's all day! Make the effort to pay attention to personal hygiene and grooming, dress smartly, and look after yourself. Treat yourself to a new hairdo and some new clothes and you will be amazed at the difference it will make!  Boost your self-esteem! You need it!

Eat Well

Are you used to 'cooking for two'? Does it seem pointless to sit down to a meal on your own?  Nonsense! You are important too and there is no reason why you should not sit down and enjoy a well cooked meal. If you have been cooking for others for years, aren't you worth cooking for too? You are going through a difficult time and need to eat properly. When you are under stress, your body needs more nutrition to help boost the immune system which is depleted by your stress levels. If you do not eat properly and look after yourself, you will become ill and you do not need that!

Some foods can help to fight depression and anxiety. A carbohydrate rich diet (especially 'whole' carbohydrates) helps the body produce serotonin - the 'feelgood' chemical. Special serotonin foods are oats, whole wheat, bananas and other carbohydrate rich foods. Make sure you are having a full complement of Vitamin B, magnesium and iron. A deficiency in any of these can lead to depression and anxiety-type symptoms and insomnia.

Learn to Relax or Meditate

Relaxation techniques and meditation are easy to learn and are so effective in relieving stress, anxiety and depression that I wonder why they are not routinely prescribed or even taught as a life skill at school!

Don't Make Any Unnecessary Changes Yet

It is sometimes tempting to make major changes in order to take one's mind off the difficult feelings. Some people decide to change jobs, start courses of study or sell their homes. While there is no hard and fast rule, remember that any change will require adjustment and lots of effort and you probably have enough on your plate at the moment. The potential to make bad decisions is also high when you are going through a stressful time. Remember that it takes at least a year to adjust to a major change like divorce. If you can leave big decisions and changes till a later stage, it is probably worthwhile doing that.

What about the children?

If you have children, remember that they are going through a difficult time too. Make sure that they understand what is going on and what the arrangements about visitation are. Try not to allow your feelings towards your ex to influence them. They are not divorcing their parents, and it will be beneficial to their development to maintain a good relationship with both Mom and Dad. Do not run down your ex or fight in front of the children and try to make time to discuss the rules of visitation and communication, as well as other matters, like money. Do this separately from the children if possible.

For some free information about the effects of divorce on children, go to www.feelgoodcounseling.com/ChildDivorce.htm

Native Remedies Tip

To help you to get things in perspective, try this self-help exercise.

Focus on how you are feeling now. Write down all the feelings of pain, betrayal, anger and confusion. Then ask yourself how you think you may be feeling and what your life will be like within six months. Write this down on a separate piece of paper. Do the same thing for periods of a year, five years and ten years. In ten years time, will you even remember how bad you are feeling now? Focusing on a positive time line and writing things down will help you to see that you will not be feeling this way forever!

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For help with this issue or any other problem, visit a Licensed Counselor.  Also, have a look at the many other useful eBooklets available on the Native Remedies website, as well as the helpful reading lists in the Online Library at www.feelgoodcounseling.com/reference_library.htm.

Good luck and be well!

Michele Carelse